Shadow is sick. My dog is sick, and my father didn't bother to tell me until five minutes ago.

He lied and said she was fine Thursday. He lied to my face. (She's been sick since Tuesday!)

No big surprise. I'm finding out that pretty much everyone in my life has lied to me, either on purpose or through omission. They've all lied to me. Every last one.

I had a realization today, while I was walking as far as I could away from this place: I hate it here.

I don't want to stay here, and I don't want to go back to Tucson. Back to that place and that house.

And I'm tired. Tired of the lies and the hurt and never being able to earn anyone's praise no matter what I do. I'm tired of waking up to an empty house and sitting at a kitchen table listening to my grandparents chitchat about things I know I can never relate to.

And so I turn to you, friends list. Where can I go? what should I do from here?

Because no one is helping me in my own life.

If I have to hear any more right-wing talking points from EITHER of my grandparents, I'm going to go off on them.

(Tried talking about the India-Pakistan hostilities, got "be grateful you were born in the country you live in". Tried talking about hunger, got "some people just don't want to work, if it's not free, they don't care". Got worried about the news, got told "it's a waste of emotion".)

At least I'm going out for sushi with my cousin tonight. That's one small blessing. I think I'm starting to understand why she acted the way she did when she was a high-schooler and Kels and me were little. We'd all gone to the fair, and she didn't come home until way late. I swore to stay quiet about it. It was a personal oath.

Grandma's a sharecropper's daughter. Grandpa's ex-Navy and from rural Indiana. Dad was the first one on the Cox side of the family to ever go to college. (He probably got the same guilt-trip I did yesterday from Grandpa about quitting.)

Life isn't like it was when they grew up. It's not the 1940s. I'm not Grandma. When she was 21, she was already married and raising Dad. It's not World War II.

Life isn't about suffering through everything with a pasted-on smile.

Life's not pain!

Edit: Sigh.

Grandma? Look at how skinny I am. Keep in mind, for several months, I was unable to eat much due to panic attacks and dysphagia.

I've barely got a pudge. That doesn't mean that I have to constantly exercise and burn off every single calorie I ever intake. THAT is just as unhealthy as me suddenly deciding to stop eating altogether.

Y'know. Just saying. Calories are not the ultimate evil.

Yes, Grandma, I get it. You looked up "experts" who said I'm a computer addict.

I get it. Computer bad. WoW bad. TV bad. Books bad. Job bad. Eating habits bad. Sleep bad.

Me = failure. There. Happy now?

(Thought popped into my head last night. Hoped I would fall asleep and never wake up again. Have NEVER thought like that before. Bad sign, right?)

Bleh.

Just... bleh. Big bleh.

My feet hurt, I've got a shin splint, I want to cry, and I just feel miserable. Work's trying to break me with 8-hour days back to back, to see if I'm too much of a wimp to last beyond training. And I can't talk to Grandma. I've tried. She more-or-less says to suck it up and keep going. That I wanted this, so I better see this through.

Went to the pharmacy for insoles. Salvation Army bell-ringer there. Grandma walked right past; said it's too expensive to donate. (I slipped a dollar into the bucket. I grew up taught that even a dollar is enough to help someone. And helping someone is worth any price.)

Grandma is right of me on the spectrum. I can't discuss the news (they don't watch or read any of it.) I can't even SING. I was in a good mood after work, walking through the house, singing. And she told me to stop it.

No sympathy. No shoulder to cry on. No kiss goodnight. No goodbye hug on my way to work. No foot massage or someone to curl up on the couch with and watch TV.

I never realized how much my parents did for me until I came here.

I feel ridiculous, wearing lipstick and make-up just to eat lunch. Ugh. AND the hair straightener curler thing burned me, so there's that.

At least there's fresh-baked bread and good music in it for me. That makes it all worthwhile.

(Thank you, Trocadero, for releasing the Recon/Recreation music. Now the tracks have names.)

I... I did it.

I did it! Dad was right. It was waiting out there for me. Just not in Tucson.

Monday, it's officialized. I got a job.

I did it.

Damn, I need an RvB icon.

Holy crap, talk about a Wham Episode. WAAAAAASH! You bastard!

I don't wanna go sleep. I'm not tired yet! ):

First big thunderstorm out here in Texas. Funny. Can't sleep through it like at home. Then again, storms in Tucson don't turn into tornadoes.

Gonna check the weather and set my mind at ease. The grandparents have a short-band weather radio in their room. I think Grandpa just turned it off, though. Heard nothing but thunderstorm warnings.

Geez, I'm a wuss.

 Feeling better today, by far. Even had fun! And considering the mood I've been in for the past day, that's saying something. Lunch out on the town with my aunt (complete with Baby's first strawberry daiquiri), job hunt tomorrow with my grandparents, and trying to find a way to reach Fry's Electronics or a ride on the DART. Amazing how much I've perked up.

Plus, I actually don't look half-bad with just foundation and lipgloss. I might turn heads like this. ;)

The project, oh wise and benevolent (and awesome; seriously, I <3 you all so much) friends' list: band names. Give me ideas.

List So Far
- High Noon Daiquiri
- No Accordians
- Unarmed Battle of Wits
- Twelve Seconds to Roswell
- The Pensive Spork Cafe
- That One Guy and His Back-Up
- Leaping Off Rooftops
- Shark Politician

Yo! I made it in one piece! After a 17 hour car ride, oh my dear sweet Lord above. ._.

And it seems like while I was out, there was new stuff in the stuff I do. And lo, all of it is awesome and shiny and makes me go :O and :D and such. DDD is just as busy as ever and I'll post over there tomorrow once Uncle Steve helps me set up my laptop to work here. (The hardware's a little ehhh here, but that's easily fixed.)

Fry's Electronics is just a short distance away. My personal freaking Paradise. Maybe I can work there. I hope so!

(More tomorrow. Just letting you guys know I'm here and safe and well. :D)

Holy crap, well played, show.

Played me for a sap and I never even knew it. I even spotted a clue and it went right over my head.

...I missed feeling like this after watching an episode. XD

Holy crap, I passed out on the couch for two hours! :O

...Visited my doc yesterday. He said I... I might have some chronic low-level depression going on.

It's not clinical (that's the deep depression like what Dad had), but it's depression nonetheless.

It'd certainly explain the listless, tired, sad feelings I've been having lately.

Thanks, show, for making me have flashbacks to Cai's Relationship Disaster of 2009 with that preview. (Wasn't the same as C's situation, but geez. Creepy Stalker with a Crush? Big time.)

And I thought Angela Petrelli was a stone-cold bitch. Looks like it runs in her social circles. Geeez. (Also, big props for the last Nathan bit. Made me think of Code Veronica.)

Lydia + tattoos = me making Groucho Marx references.

Mmm. Bailey's in coffee is really really goooood.

*eagerly waits either a telegram or another package*

Yay! I got in on the ground floor. Maybe I can do more stuff with this than I could with Iris. :D

"This is for Ed and his crew."

As in Ed Wood. Yes, folks, Hollywood is so lacking in inspiration that they're remaking Plan 9 from Outer Space. And not just once. Oh no. Try two remakes. At the same time.

If they remake Manos, I swear to God, it'll be a sign of the apocalypse.

(I wonder how Mike and the MST gang feel about this.)

Had a job interview today, and once it was over, I went next door to the diner. I had coffee and pie and a cup of clam chowder. (Coffee was black, two sugars. Bitter, but not bad.) Had to settle for lemon meringue instead of key lime. They didn't have it. ;)

Funny, but I feel happy. There's no reason for it. But listening to the old stuff, the recordings they have from the axons and the players... I don't know. It makes me smile. People are so amazing sometimes, you know?

I should hold on to this feeling so that when I feel sad or disappointed, I can remember this and realize that life isn't bad. It's life. And it's wonderful.

Even if I don't get the job, it was worth it for a slice of free pie and a cup of coffee.

Huh. I expected to be doing a happy dance now that The Jerkface is dead, but it was oddly unsatisfying. Gruesome, yes, but unsatisfying. Oh well. Bye, Mr. Zealot Guy!

Yep. Show's back. Watching it right now, will be back in a few.

Edit: Woah. That was dark. Like, Lucky Lindy's tragedy dark. Way to go, show. You surprised the ever-loving crud out of me.

Think this might be a good season after all.

Woah, major mood swing.

I feel sick. And I'm probably as close to a freak-out as I've ever been. No, scratch that, I'm freaking out over here. Over what, I don't know. Why, I couldn't say. Not feeling sick. That's just something I ate. But I was half-asleep and then I suddenly woke up and now I'm freaking out in the worst way. I'm terrified and panicking and everything else all at once.

I might be going to Texas next month. With my grandparents. The only way back is by plane or train. Can't drive. And I'm... I'm pretty sure I've developed a phobia of flying. Not a screaming fit sort of phobia. But a panic attack kind. Mom says there are others who have worse reactions to it. But I'm not brave. I get on and freak out all the way from boarding to landing.

Had a nightmare about being in a plane crash last night. Think this might be the cause of my freak-out.

I'm going to bed. Got my DS, and I'm gonna play it until I get sleepy. I have work tomorrow. I HAVE to beat this thing.

Gonna tell my doctor about this. He'll be able to help. I know he will.

G'night.

Sometimes, my father can really surprise me. In a good way. ...He doesn't mind. He doesn't mind at all, because he said he knows it's not the be-all and end-all of my life.

He teased me, though, but that's just what he does.

It's a good day.

(Random note: the music is the opening theme for Criminal Intent. For the UK. It's badass.)